Funny! or Funny?

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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:36 pm


“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Tue Apr 08, 2014 9:20 am

Sent by an aging Aussie pal

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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Sun May 04, 2014 4:53 pm

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

----------------------------------------------------------

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Wed Dec 31, 2014 10:59 am

Some animals are cleverer than some humans ........ impressive ingenuity :lol:

The short version:



The long version:


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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Sun Jan 25, 2015 6:40 pm

:)
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Wed Feb 11, 2015 5:37 am

Apparently you can lead a horse to water, and you can make him ..................


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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Wed Apr 15, 2015 12:41 pm

The remodeled version :lol:


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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:04 am


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you passed wind consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference? BY THE WAY OBAMA IS LEFT HANDED)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it'

In other words, send it to everyone!

(and God love that pig!)

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby Roger Ramjet » Wed Apr 22, 2015 11:22 am

MGV12,
Where do you find this stuff. It's wrong of course just one example is left handed people http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-23988352
But I do like the pig thing.
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Fri Apr 24, 2015 5:39 am

Okay ... maybe you'll prefer this RR:

Madeline was in the fertilised egg business. She had several hundred young 'pullets' and
ten roosters to fertilise the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went
into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells
and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a
distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Madeline's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she
noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other
roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an
overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell
Peace Prize": they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being
the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby Roger Ramjet » Sat Apr 25, 2015 5:39 pm

MGV12 wrote:Okay ... maybe you'll prefer this RR:

I love it MGV12.
I watched a very attractively dressed female Australian Senator (VIP) representing the Australian Government do exactly that at a dawn Anzac Day at Hellfire Pass here in Thailand. She arrived quietly by private vehicle a little early, much to the consternation of some very high ranking Thai soldiers who had appointed themselves as her "escort" (she actually had an SAS Major and his family as an escort) and she declined all offers of being chauffeured from the car park to Hellfire Pass itself in a Thai Unimog, thanked them all sweetly and then put on a pair of running shoes and strode out at the head of some very red faced generals down to Hellfire Pass. She caught them so much off balance, that they forgot they had to walk all the way back up the side of the mountain after the dawn service was over.
I suppose I got screwed as well, because I'll probably vote for her (or her party in the Senate) at the next election.
I have never seen so many high ranking Thai generals all trying to out do themselves with the size of wreaths at the wreath laying ceremony at the War Graves Cemetry in Kanchanarburi at 1100 hrs, especially as they backed the Japanese.
I found it rather sad that with all that power they haven't been able to orginise the laying of new concrete sleepers on the Bridge Over the River Quai that have sat in the same place besides the track for the last few years and seen the biggest tourist attraction in Thailand just lay there going to waste. On Friday morning I visited the Bridge to see it rotting and rusting away whilst everyone took selfies. Of course you can no longer park in the car park there because of all the security risks, so a lot of people got turned off walking the 300 yards or so and browsed the shops instead. But there had to be at least 2,000 people on the Bridge. The trains no longer run, it's far too unsafe for trains now. How's that for irony?
I might post some photos when I download them....... perhaps a new thread.
I know Fred will be interested to know that the most soldiers who died on the Burma Railway were from The Netherlands and half the cemetry is full of their fallen heroes.
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby fredlk » Sun Apr 26, 2015 10:12 am

Roger Ramjet wrote:I know Fred will be interested to know that ...............

Well then, take it as fact that you're wrong.
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby Sometimewoodworker » Fri May 01, 2015 3:54 am

I'm not sure if this should go in construction but a new use for AAC blocks

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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Thu May 07, 2015 8:16 pm

They make I laff :lol:


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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Fri May 08, 2015 11:21 am

. No one is listening until you fart.

. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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