Funny! or Funny?

Any expat related issue or comment.

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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Mon May 11, 2015 3:08 pm

Greek ATM

Greek ATM.jpg
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“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Sun May 17, 2015 8:10 am

Now that's a big ass balloon !!!

BAB.jpg
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Fri Jul 24, 2015 6:57 am

WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Indubitably



WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate



WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Sat Oct 03, 2015 11:34 am


“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 3:49 pm

ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'Go Lightly,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss Go Lightly in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the Go Lightly. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because Go Lightly tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for Go Lightly, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
Go Lightly is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the Go Lightly experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of Go Lightly, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of Go Lightly spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their Go Lightly.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me..
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby Roger Ramjet » Sat Feb 20, 2016 6:17 pm

MGV12 wrote:'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

The wimp, he had a general. My quack Dr. Tom Barr made me watch the whole thing on TV. I kept asking "what's that" until he told me to shut up I was delaying the "procedure". There's a little pair of hedge cutters in there that take samples, which are immediately sucked to ????? I have no idea.
Dave's lucky I had to drink three bloody litres of that horrible stuff because they wanted to do an MRI straight after.
But he's right, all those tales about the "mounting the Silver Stallion" are false and it's a painless procedure, but why do they always want you to roll on your left side. Tom never played Abba's Dancing Queen for me, I rather like that song. Would have been more appropriate to play something from the Village People.....like In the Navy. :lol: :lol:
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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Sun Feb 21, 2016 1:47 pm

Roger Ramjet wrote: but why do they always want you to roll on your left side.


Something to do with the way the pipework lies in the body. The many websites that talk about 'unwanted inflation' suggest that laying on your left side will help to release it ... works for me ... usually. Some people even do that procedure voluntarily with coffee enemas and the like :roll:

Americans spend a small fortune on stomach settlers and laxatives ... still quite a few windbags around though! :lol:

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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Tue Feb 23, 2016 11:48 am

Egyptian four-year-old's life sentence a mistake, military says

The child's lawyer said his name had been added to the list of suspects by mistake - and that court officials had not passed his birth certificate to the judge to prove his age at the time of the offence.

He was subsequently convicted of four counts of murder, eight counts of attempted murder and vandalising government property.

His lawyer had submitted documents proving that he was one at the time.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-35633314

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Re: Funny! or Funny?

Postby pipoz » Tue Mar 08, 2016 7:01 pm

Not really funny , but I didn't want to start a new thread just for this

http://dohanews.co/tiger-found-roaming- ... ressway-2/

https://youtu.be/WUJYmzmk22U?t=3
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