Funny! or Funny?

Any expat related issue or comment.

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Funny! or Funny?

Postby MGV12 » Fri Mar 16, 2012 4:53 pm

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
Who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license's of bald
men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use
--- toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their Pictures on the postage stamps so the
postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing Section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that
one actually enjoys it?

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Silly really

Postby elgato » Thu Mar 22, 2012 9:04 am

Good stuff! :lol:
I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.
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Re: Silly really

Postby BKKBILL » Sun Apr 01, 2012 1:18 pm

Ever Wonder...
• Why  the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our  skin?
• Why  women can't put on mascara with their mouth  closed?
• Why  you never  see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• Why  "abbreviated" is such a long word?
• Why  doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why  lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why  the man who invests all your money is called a  broker?
• Why  the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush  hour?
• Why  there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why  Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why  they  sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• You  know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't  they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
• Why  don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why  are they called apartments when they are all stuck  together?
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
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Re: Silly really

Postby MGV12 » Sun Apr 01, 2012 1:58 pm


“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Silly really

Postby BKKBILL » Sun Apr 01, 2012 2:43 pm


At least this does......

Beer; A Nice Beverage!

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Babe Ruth

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his friends. - Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. - H.L Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! - George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. - Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.- Dave Barry

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! - Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when he herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regul ar consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.....
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
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Re: Silly really

Postby MGV12 » Sun Apr 01, 2012 3:07 pm

BKKBILL wrote:

At least this does......

Beer; A Nice Beverage!



No argument here ......... worked hard today to take advantage of the cooler temps after last night's rain ... makes you thirsty ... time for a cooling libation I think. Cheers everyone.

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Silly really

Postby BKKBILL » Thu Apr 19, 2012 5:59 pm

Often Wonder

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

As you can see it's to hot outside........
It's not who you know, it's whom you know.
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Re: Silly really

Postby MGV12 » Thu Apr 19, 2012 8:18 pm

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Is giving birth more painful ........

Postby MGV12 » Fri May 18, 2012 8:10 pm

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Finally this age-old question is answered.....

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be
nice to have another child."

You never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Silly really

Postby MGV12 » Sun Jun 24, 2012 7:33 am

Hilarious:


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Re: Silly really

Postby geordie » Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:56 pm

Briliant !! you have too much spare time :lol:
my comments may be wrong but never deliberately
If it aint broke, dont fix it
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Re: Silly really

Postby MGV12 » Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:07 pm

geordie wrote:Briliant !! you have too much spare time :lol:


I wish!

I don't go looking for these things .. friends just send me them by email.

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The F-word ....

Postby MGV12 » Fri Jun 29, 2012 10:18 am

Sometimes anything other than the F-word doesn't convey the emotion:
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Re: Itchy really

Postby MGV12 » Mon Jul 02, 2012 8:25 pm

'An Indian man suffering from an irritated and itchy right eye was astonished when doctors found a five-inch-long worm living in his eye socket. The man, 75-year-old PK Krishnamurthy from Mumbai, had suffered discomfort for some time - and had been given medication in the hope that the misdiagnosed eye condition would clear up. But when Mr Krishnamurthy returned and complained that the condition was not improving, doctors decided to take a very close look. After a detailed examination medics in Mumbai found the worm behind his eyeball - and the stowaway was removed during minor surgery yesterday. Dr V Seetharaman, eye surgeon at Fortis Hospital in Mumbai, said: 'Mr Krishnamurthy was lucky the worm was found in time'

Source: The Daily Mail http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2166893/Pensioner-mystery-eye-condition-shocked-doctors-inch-WORM-living-eyeball.html

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Re: Silly really

Postby MGV12 » Wed Jul 18, 2012 2:40 pm

I love cars ... probably much more than the average bloke .... but this is really taking passion to the extreme:



Or .... you could use all that creative energy for a more spine-tingling result:


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