Comedy Greats

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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby MGV12 » Wed Jan 22, 2014 7:48 pm

Is there a joke party going on here?

A few more ... and introducing to the conversation one of the funniest 'one-liner' deliverers of all time. Thomas Frederick "Tommy" Cooper

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'

'Dyslexic man walks into a bra'

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

'I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays''

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

"I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite."

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?'' "

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby sirineou » Thu Jan 23, 2014 3:00 am

We all seem to agree that Monty Python is, if not the greatest , one of the greatest.
I watched Monty Python and the Holly Grail when I was a kid, and several years ago when my daughter was about twelve we watch it together again, and she was cracking up,
She is now 18 and it is one of her favorite movies ever. A chip of the old block :D
Monty Python ! timeless humor.
I talk to my self because I am the only one who will listen
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby MGV12 » Thu Jan 23, 2014 5:14 am

Subject: A father's nightmare.

A father goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to
"Mum and Dad" on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped
with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice.
Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.

But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very
happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to have many more children
with me and that's one of my dreams too.

I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for
us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine
and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can
get better. He deserves it.

Don't worry about money, Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his
friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently, I can earn £200
per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene,
and an extra £100 for the Alsatian.

Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll
visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Dad, we found the cash you were hiding from mum, but don't worry we left you
a few quid.

Your loving daughter,

Angelina.

P.S. Dad, for God's sake calm down. It's not true. I'm actually watching TV
at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that there really are worse
things in life than England loosing the bloody Ashes.

“Some days I am an optimistic pessimist ... other days I am a pessimistic optimist”
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby Roger Ramjet » Thu Jan 23, 2014 6:22 am

I love it.
I'm laughing so much I might fall out my chair and the dogs think I'm mad and my wife and daughter just shook their heads on the way out the door to work and college. :lol: :lol:
But to be honest, there really is not much worse than losing The Ashes is there MGV12? I did note that the English Captain has decided he's no longer good enough to play one day internationals.... and after his performance in The Ashes......well what can I say? :roll: :roll:
That would have to be the best joke I've heard since the British Bulldog in the Aussie pub when England beat Australia in the rugby some years ago.
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby fredlk » Thu Jan 23, 2014 6:47 am

Roger Ramjet wrote:I love it.
I'm laughing so much I might fall out my chair and the dogs think I'm mad and my wife and daughter just shook their heads on the way out the door to work and college. :lol: :lol:
But to be honest, there really is not much worse than losing The Ashes is there MGV12? I did note that the English Captain has decided he's no longer good enough to play one day internationals.... and after his performance in The Ashes......well what can I say? :roll: :roll:
That would have to be the best joke I've heard since the British Bulldog in the Aussie pub when England beat Australia in the rugby some years ago.

Bloody hell, can't we ever get away from the effing cricket?!?
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby MGV12 » Thu Jan 23, 2014 7:18 am

fredlk wrote:
Roger Ramjet wrote:I love it.
I'm laughing so much I might fall out my chair and the dogs think I'm mad and my wife and daughter just shook their heads on the way out the door to work and college. :lol: :lol:
But to be honest, there really is not much worse than losing The Ashes is there MGV12? I did note that the English Captain has decided he's no longer good enough to play one day internationals.... and after his performance in The Ashes......well what can I say? :roll: :roll:
That would have to be the best joke I've heard since the British Bulldog in the Aussie pub when England beat Australia in the rugby some years ago.

Bloody hell, can't we ever get away from the effing cricket?!?


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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby fredlk » Thu Jan 23, 2014 7:22 am

MGV12 wrote:
language-timothy.jpg

:lol:
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby fredlk » Thu Jan 23, 2014 9:13 am

old-people-catagory.jpg
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby MGV12 » Thu Jan 23, 2014 9:20 am

fredlk wrote:
old-people-catagory.jpg


Something amiss in that photo but I cant quite place it ... maybe RR can help. :wink:

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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby Roger Ramjet » Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:55 pm

MGV12 wrote:Something amiss in that photo but I cant quite place it ... maybe RR can help.

She's right handed? Actually it's the fact there are only three candles or it could be that's she's still celebrate at 100. I give up, what is it?
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby MGV12 » Thu Jan 23, 2014 2:24 pm

Roger Ramjet wrote:
MGV12 wrote:Something amiss in that photo but I cant quite place it ... maybe RR can help.

She's right handed? Actually it's the fact there are only three candles or it could be that's she's still celebrate at 100. I give up, what is it?


Really. really, really old people can still smoke and get away with it! :lol:

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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby Roger Ramjet » Thu Jan 23, 2014 2:52 pm

MGV12 wrote:Really. really, really old people can still smoke and get away with it!

Now that never dawned on me because I thought it was legal to smoke once you reached the age where you could steal your mum's or dad or even buy them. There's an old Thai bloke (102) who lived around the corner from me when I was at the townhouse and he used to chew tobacco and smoke like a train.... probably still does too. His daughter asked me to stop giving him cigarettes, so I gave him a 100 baht instead, and you guessed it, he went and bought cigarettes. In the end we just shared smokes when he ratted my rubbish bin each morning. :lol:
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby MGV12 » Thu Jan 23, 2014 5:25 pm

Roger Ramjet wrote:
MGV12 wrote:Really. really, really old people can still smoke and get away with it!

Now that never dawned on me because I thought it was legal to smoke once you reached the age where you could steal your mum's or dad or even buy them. There's an old Thai bloke (102) who lived around the corner from me when I was at the townhouse and he used to chew tobacco and smoke like a train.... probably still does too. His daughter asked me to stop giving him cigarettes, so I gave him a 100 baht instead, and you guessed it, he went and bought cigarettes. In the end we just shared smokes when he ratted my rubbish bin each morning. :lol:


Get away with ... still being alive! :lol:

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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby Mike Judd » Fri Jan 24, 2014 6:29 am

Now I suspect there will be some disogreement with my views on smoking but here goes anyway. I suppose it all depends on what sort of quality of life one would like to lead, even though there are plenty of Smokers who manage to beat the odds and live a long life. The facts,(I fully expect disagreement there) all come to the same conclusion. Anyone in this day and age who takes up smoking with all the evidence available to it's effects ,has got to be off their brain,or totally lacking in any. Being of an age that in my youth ,everyone smoked, I was eternally lucky after several attempts around the age of 14-16 yrs old to not like the neurosis feeling that it gave me when attempting to take it down as to the "correct" way to get the right effect. Fast forward 25 yrs when on a trip back to London, I'am standing in an Underground station looking across at one of the many large Adds on the tiled wall opposite, there was a picture of Long John Silver with the parrot on his shoulder and the wooden leg , it was an anti smoking add. Now I thought ! what has he got to do with smoking ? After a bit of research, I find out, it's gangrene !
Very few, young people especially, ever think it through when they are puffing away on that cigarette. Lets start with the heart, it's sole purpose as far as I can gather (Once again being a bit of an igramanus at times you are welcome to correct me) is to pump oxerginised blood 24/7 around to every single part of the body, including the fingers and toes or ones extremities , lack of that oxerginated blood for any length of time results in gangrene settng in like with extreme frost bite. While smoking it is said that only 50% of the oxygen inhaled gets into your blood stream, leading to a very slow insidious death for some unfortunates, after sometimes various amputations of their limbs first trying to save them. Now if that's not enough for you we have hospitals full of people suffering from Emphysema ! not all from smoking but mostly. The lining of their lungs are burnt off so they are unable to filter the oxygen out of the air they breath, the only thing they are capable of doing is to sit or lie down immobile for the rest of their miserable life which will depend on how strong a heart they were blessed with. We have all probably seen pictures of the movie director John Ford (After he was dead of course) sitting in his wheel chair with a large Oxygen bottle standing beside him. Or the last remaining Malborough cowboy still riding his horse with a Oxygen bottle strapped on. Great! that's the way to go out. In the mean time how great it must be to have that first one in the morning when you wake up coughing and spitting. ? Had enough? :evil: :evil: :evil:
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Re: Comedy Greats

Postby fredlk » Fri Jan 24, 2014 7:02 am

I vote to have our esteemed member Mike added to our Comedy Hall of Fame. :D
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